Pop Advent Calendar Day 14: The Roman Abramovich Award for 2012’s Best Golden Handshake

Welcome to Day 14 of our pop culture advent calendar. Every day we’re handing out a little treat in the shape of a mini-blog on something or someone we’ve admired or thought worth noting in 2012. Here’s an introduction to this whole advent calendar idea. Yesterday we celebrated a shining light from vast, dark world of the internet, @brainpicker. Today we are recognising one of the most baffling trends in public life – the Golden Handshake, when failure is recognised like never before.

The Golden Handshake used to be a peculiar little hypocrisy restricted to bankers and football managers, but in 2012 it went mainstream.  The principle works something like this. An extremely important person is paid an extremely large sum of money to steer an organisation toward success and away from failure. When success arrives, a bonus follows. When failure descends, a pay off – often larger than any bonus – is paid out. The thin line between success and failure for rich people is lined with feathered pillows and satin sheets. For the rest of us, it’s shits and giggles and Wonga loans.

2012 has seen the Golden Handshake stretch beyond football and high finance’s wide boys. It also now takes in girls and Fleet Street editors. Rebekah Brooks has been paid off just shy off of £11m for overseeing the reputational collapse of the previously imperious News International suite of media outlets. She has been arrested and charged, publicly humiliated and is seen by many as being directly responsible for the closure of the News of the World, once the biggest selling newspaper in the UK.

Her pay-off is a source of anger and bewilderment. Brooks didn’t just fail at her job, but failed an entire industry in the process. Whatever punishment in due course may be delivered by the justice system, it can never feasibly match the compensation she has received for being utterly shite at her job.

However, this is Pop Lifer. And there is no possible way that the allegedly corrupt and corruptible Queen of the Chipping Norton Set was ever to going to get an award from us. No, there is a far funnier example of a Golden Handshake that 2012 threw up. The award is named after the man who uses the Golden Handshake as an occupational hazard for his low boredom threshold rather than a last resort – Roman Abramovich, the trigger happy owner of football’s dark side, Chelsea FC.

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He of the patchy beard and history (image courtesy of The Daily Telegraph)

The Roman Abramovich Award for 2012’s Best Golden Handshake goes to…..

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Pop Advent Calendar Day 13: the Ask Jeeves Award For Shining A Light Through The Amazing Vast Dark Universe Of The Internet

Welcome to Day 13 of our pop culture advent calendar… we’re over the halfway mark, people! Every day we’re handing out a little treat in the shape of a mini-blog on something or someone we’ve admired in 2012. Here’s an introduction to this whole advent calendar idea. Yesterday we celebrated Grayson Perry for his contribution to the ever difficult class debate in this country. Today we want to recognise someone who has done a remarkable job at helping us find our way to the most interesting and amazing gems of human knowledge on the Internet.

Original Ask Jeeves logo, 2001, copyright www.ask.co.uk

Original Ask Jeeves logo, 2001, copyright http://www.ask.co.uk

If you are one of the 43% of the world who are aged under 25, you probably can’t quite grasp how impossibly, immeasurably, head-spinningly different the world is now to the one you were born in. The past truly was a different country – we truly did do things differently back then.

It was a world where having regular contact with people in other countries was an exotic and expensive rarity. A world where most people still bought their news at a little shop down the road, neatly laid out in huge piles of paper. A world where making a decision about what to buy was either done in the ridiculous, Soviet-like paltriness of a “shop”, or by flicking through another big bundle of paper called a “catalogue”.

Do you want to know how truly insane this world was? Imagine you and your friends are in a pub on a Friday night in 1990. The talk turns to “Blade Runner” and someone points out that the writer was Philip K Dick, the same guy who wrote “Total Recall”. Yes, you say, who tragically died just a few days after he saw the film and never witnessed its success. Rubbish, returns another friend, he died before the film had even been made. The debate gets heated and big bets get placed on the outcome. But how do you sort out the argument to everyone’s satisfaction, presuming you don’t happen to personally know the world’s confirmed and undoubted leading expert on film history?

Well, you would have had to wait all weekend and then – on Monday morning – you would have had to travel to your public library. If, that is, you were one of the lucky and tiny minority of the world’s population to live close to a public library. You might have sought out a person called a librarian and explained your dilemma. She could have consulted a colleague with a little more knowledge, who would have pointed you to a rack of reference books on cinema. After an hour or so of flicking through these reference books you might have found a definitive answer. To provide evidence to all the people involved in the bet, you would have needed to take the reference book to the assistant who might – if you were in a particularly technologically advanced library – have photocopied the relevant page for about 50p. And then you could, if you wished, have faxed a copy of the document to each of your friends. If they had a fax machine that is.

Think about that.

And then the Internet was invented. Now we have Wikipedia and smartphones and the same argument would be over in about five minutes, with a bit of counter-quibbling over veracity of websites and quality of definitions. Simply put, the Internet has changed everything. Everything.  All human knowledge, insight, understanding, art and thought, all gathered together and made available to everyone who can access the world wide web, which is an ever growing number.

If you are 30 or older and can remember the information dark ages (for so they may one day be remembered) and thinking about all this doesn’t still make your head swim a little bit, well, you are taking a lot for granted. The Internet is a beautiful, life-expanding miracle.

Of course, it is also a time-sucking, trivia-infested, hate-filled, almost unnavigable universe of endless dull data. It is a universe where people genuinely write blogs about sightings of Sarah Jessica Parker, and people read them. A place where people tweet about their breakfast, and others retweet them. A universe where star systems of froth are surrounded by galaxies of porn, studded with black holes of celebrity banality and supernovas of faddism and memes. Which is why we all need help finding our way through it.

Our award is named – with a little bit of generation X irony – for an early Internet search engine which promised to help us do just this. The idea was to Ask Jeeves a question in plain English, and he would take us where we needed to go through the much smaller universe that was the Internet of 1999. In fact, like most automated systems, he was pretty bad at it, but it was a nice idea. In the end – and there’s some irony here too – humans have proven to be the best, most discerning guides to the Internet.

Our next award goes to someone who has used Twitter – in many ways the most superficial and banal offshoot of the whole Internet – as a tool to direct her many devoted followers to things of wonder and beauty. She wisely and enthusiastically guides us to the prettiest and most shining stars of the Internet, and never leaves us staring dull-eyed into the void. She is… Continue reading

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Pop Advent Calendar Day 12: The Jarvis Cocker Award for Ambiguous Class Commentary

Welcome to Day 12 of our pop culture advent calendar! Every day we’ve handed out a little treat in the shape of a mini-blog on something or someone we’ve admired in 2012. Here’s a little bit of an introduction to this whole advent calendar idea. Yesterday we celebrated the Christmas Single and Mariah Carey’s perfect contribution to this normally shabby niche. Today’s advent calendar gift from Pop Lifer takes a sharp left turn. Today we celebrate 2012’s finest contribution to Britain’s favourite old chestnut – class commentary.

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Pulp – Common People (courtesy of Rough Trade Records)

“They dance and drink and screw/Because there’s nothing else to do”.

Jarvis Cocker is now a whispering national institution. A 6Music DJ, a regular documentary maker and all round good egg, this is no bad thing. What put him there was a hit so large and now so ubiquitous, it is easy to forget how preposterously bombastic and energetic it actually is. Common People is part great pop song, part important social commentary and part mid-90s monolith.

Jarvis entertained and enlightened us and we now gratify him with our fond respect. And yet, Common People, like many of Pulp’s songs doesn’t ask for its protagonist to be liked. It is not seeking our approval, just our hips.

Common People is a famous scythe aimed at the knees of a rich kid art student who wants to dress up poor for the day. The song builds from a sneer to a snarl to an all out assault on the class system. This assault sweeps up some collateral along the way however. The rich, privileged and bourgeois ‘will never understand’ how it feels to live your life/With no meaning or control.’ And yet with this very line, the scythe slashes the very faces of those the song is seemingly trying to defend.

A lack of control is a powerful point. A lack of meaning, however, is far more troubling. Really? Do poor people never translate screwing into love? Do they never have friendships with meaning?

You feel that there is as much distance between the song’s protagonist and the fag smoking pool players as there is between him and the Greek sculpture student. The only difference – our class guide is more likely to end up in bed with his class tourist than he is with a ‘common person.’ Common People has a villain alright, but it would be wrong to think it has a hero. It makes Common People a better song.

How and why lives are different is complicated and troubling and implicates every one whether we like it not (and generally we don’t). Pop Lifer can assure you now these differences are not simply down to hard work. 2012 has brought to the surface these awkward truths, not least with the pending welfare cuts and reforms – this scythe being wielded by George Osborne, a man about whom there is little ambiguity.

The Jarvis Cocker Award for an Ambiguous Class Commentary goes to a fantastic documentary series and accompanying exhibition which caught us at our most magnificent and ugly best – just as we look in that contorting hall of mirrors we know as the class system……

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Pop Advent Calendar Day 11: The Wham! Award For Best Christmas Song Ever

Welcome to Day 11 of our pop culture advent calendar! Every day we’ve handed out a little treat in the shape of a mini-blog on something or someone we’ve admired in 2012. Here’s a little bit of an introduction to this whole advent calendar idea. Yesterday we celebrated Cristiano Ronaldo, the best second best player in the history of football. Today’s advent calendar gift from Pop Lifer to you is a little bit of a deviation from the others in that it will take us back in time to pick the greatest Christmas song ever.

Young guns, having some fun

Young guns, having some fun

Christmas songs have been part of pop’s DNA since even before it was fully born. Judy Garland made “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” famous in 1944, while Nat King Cole was singing about chestnuts roasting on an open fire in 1961. However, it was Phil Spector’s glorious “A Christmas Gift For You” album which gave the festive song permanent pop credibility.

The big seasonal stomper really seemed to hit its peak in the seventies, with Wizzard, Slade, Paul McCartney and John Lennon all writing odes to Christmas which also served as a guarantee they’d receive a December royalty bump all the way through to their retirement. In the 80s the tradition sometimes yielded joy (as in “Last Christmas” by Wham!, for whom we name this award, if only because of their brilliant and oft-forgotten exclamation mark) and sometimes sorrow (Band Aid’s “Do They Know Its Christmas?”, a song which may now – in the cosmic balance – have caused more suffering than it once relieved).

Recent years have seen the likes of Bruno Mars, Celine Dion and even Billy Idol try to revive the Christmas single, but there have been few new classics. However, now it’s time to turn to what is unarguably the greatest Christmas song of all time. Even the joys of Wham! have grown more tired over the years, but this song remains thrilling even amidst the dross of endless Christmas compilations played on loop in fun pubs. It is of course… Continue reading

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Pop Advent Calendar Day 10: The Gary Lineker Award for the Best Second Best Player in the History of Football

Welcome to Day 10 of our pop culture advent calendar! Every day we’re handing out a little treat in the shape of a mini-blog on something or someone we’ve admired in 2012. Yesterday we celebrated the art of the political spat, perfected by none other than Stan Collymore. Behind today’s hard to find number 10 you’ll find yet another footballer – one who has perfected being second best like no other in history.  Here’s a little bit of an introduction to this whole advent calendar idea.

Anyone who was brought up in the 80’s and 90’s had a few incontrovertible facts to contend with. The Beatles were the best band of all time; Lady Chatterley sparked the sexual revolution and the Brazil team of 1970 was the greatest side of all time, spearheaded by the greatest player of all time, Pele.

Well you can scrap facts three and four. For a start, Barcelona are now the greatest side of all time and, secondly, they have the greatest player of all time at their spearhead; the mercurial, magnificent, joyous, record-breaking, outstanding, Lionel Messi.

Across the world we are currently becoming increasingly relaxed as we contentedly sit back with a brew as the removal men rearrange the football furniture. Season after season of tiki-taka and dribbling loveliness has seen Barca on their way to their sixth title in nine years, maybe their fourth European Cup in eight. Lionel Messi has goal and assist stats that manage to humble whole sides not just individual players. Only yesterday he broke Gerd Muller’s record for goals in a calendar year. 86 and counting. Yes, 86. Sunderland haven’t had as many shots on goal in 2012.

One man though is not that happy about this. One man would now rightfully be sidling up to Pele or Maradona in the mythical football hall of fame with stats and facts of his own which would make any player proud were it not for the lil’ guy.

SOCCER

Gary Lineker in his Leicester pomp (courtesy of the BBC)

This award was penned by Pop Lifer hero, Gary Lineker, in an inspired tweet. Reflecting on yet another bout of brilliance from this award winner, Our Gary wryly observed that this man is the Best Second Best Player in the History of Football. And he is….

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Pop Advent Calendar Day 9: The Christopher Hitchens Memorial Award For Most Enjoyable Political Spat

Welcome to Day 9 of our pop culture advent calendar! Every day we’re handing out a little treat in the shape of a mini-blog on something or someone we’ve admired in 2012. Yesterday we celebrated Jo Brand and vagina-illustrated Christmas Cards. Behind today’s fiddly little window you’ll find our favourite political spat of 2012.  There’s a little bit of an introduction to this whole advent calendar shebang here.

Christopher Hitchens, copyright, Vanity Fair

Christopher Hitchens, copyright, Vanity Fair

We’ve said it before but that has never stopped us from saying anything again: Twitter can be desperate and dispiriting. Despite some of the loftier claims made for it as a disruptive and democratic space, it mostly props up our grisly cult of celebrity. In fact, it has added a new lower rung on the fame ladder, lower even than that of reality TV star: the “Twitter famous”. If you don’t know what this means then get down on your knees and know that this Christmas you truly are blessed.

Politically, however, Twitter has turned out to be a more complicated beast.

Famously Twitter has proven a remarkably powerful tool for disseminating information that authoritarian regimes would rather keep quiet, or simply giving ordinary people a voice that would otherwise not be heard. An excellent example of this was the release of the Spartacus Report earlier this year. Written by disability activists, this report revealed how the Government had ignored expert dissent to its brutal plans for welfare reform: the Twitter-led campaign led directly to legislative changes in the House of Lords, as well as a new confidence in the previously marginalised disability community which is still fuelling it today.

Yes, the 140 character format of Twitter inevitably reduces political argument into simplistic soundbites, crude slogans and clumsy insults.  But the same could also be said of Prime Minister’s Questions, and that’s broadcast by the BBC. Besides, just occasionally those same knockabout insults suddenly become something rather more wonderful, a moment of clarity where a choice is offered and a side must be taken.

Many of these moments emerged through the US election. One particularly fine example came when Conservative commentator and controversialist Ann Coulter Tweeted after Obama’s disappointing performance against Mitt Romney in the first presidential debate: “I highly approve of Romney’s decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.” Condemnation was swift, smart and nearly universal, and may have finally persuaded a large swathe of the American public to think twice about hurling around the vile and abusive term “retard”, one which is still sadly prevalent there.

But our favourite political spat came closer to home and from a rather more unlikely source. We’ve named this award after Christopher Hitchens, who sadly died almost exactly a year ago, on 15th December 2011. Hitchens was famously unafraid of a fight, and famously well equipped for them, thanks to his courage and passion. Rather like our winner for 2012… Continue reading

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